Right Now

Right now, I’m feeling stressed. My insides feel tight and I feel tired but I have to write this blog post, and I just set up my queue for my book review blog. And I want to read more of The Power by Naomi Alderman because I want to try to finish reading a book a week because I’ve been so slow with reading this year, and I want to write more of what I’ve been working on last week, but really I just need to breathe.

There’s really no reason for me to feel so overwhelmed right now, the past week hasn’t been stressful. I worked, like I do all week (someone’s gotta package those apples!) but there was nothing particularly stressful about that. No last minute orders, no person demanding a certain variety of apple at the last minute (at Thanksgiving, people can get very particular about their apples. Luckily it isn’t Thanksgiving).

So that was ordinary, and I like work, especially the people I work with. And I didn’t do much else except help some friends move into their apartment, which again wasn’t stressful but fun. My car can hold a lot of crap and I like to help out when I can (also their apartment is SO NICE) and after bringing up the necessary housewares we just chatted and relaxed (well, my sister and I relaxed, they set up because that’s kind of necessary in a new home) and we had a nice time all around.

Then there was rehearsal for my show in the HamilTEN Festival (WHICH IS IN SEVENTEEN DAYS HOLY CRAP) and it went fine. We didn’t have rehearsal last week because of Easter and as a result the actors were a little rough on their lines even though we’re off book. We only practice once a week for an hour meaning we only have two more rehearsals (AHHHHHHH) and I still need to time it to make sure it’s under ten minutes, set up, take down, plus the show. Okay, maybe that’s where the tight feeling came from, or at least where it started.

But here’s the thing, I totally get forgetting lines and I’m not mad at either actor for having one of those days. I used to act, and I totally get that it happens. Your mind just isn’t there and the lines won’t stick, it sucks but it happens. And I know they’ll have their lines memorized, they’re both incredibly talented and dedicated actresses, I’m just focusing so much on timing it and not being able to do that has caused a bit of stress.

And again, I know it will work out, I just have to see it to believe it.

But it wasn’t just rehearsal; it just feels like all weekend I’ve been go go go, which again isn’t a bad thing. I like being busy, it’s better than doing nothing. It just feels like I’ve been going here, there, and everywhere and I haven’t had a chance to settle or just be me for a bit. Except that I have, because I’ve gotten out of my rut and wrote in a coffee shop like a hipster poser (gotta own it!), so I did have me time, but it didn’t feel like enough.

Does that make sense?

I think I’ve just been letting things that have been bothering me the past few weeks pile up. This isn’t a new thing; I’m a master of repressing my emotions (super healthy! NOT) but sometimes it gets to be too much and it all comes leaking out, making me feel anxious and nervous and stressed about things that aren’t stressful.

Like now I’m think about how I’m going to be twenty-five at the end of the year (the perks of being a December baby, I have time to grow old) and I still don’t have a job in my desired career path and I’m still living at home. And neither of those things are bad, society makes timelines that makes us think we’re falling behind when we don’t do what’s expected, but we don’t have to follow them. It’s still hard to convince myself of that, to get all of those ingrained failures out of my head. I know that I’ll find a job in my career path, and I know I’ll move out eventually. It isn’t even that I particularly want to move out right now, it just feels like it won’t happen, which is stupid because it will. I know all these things but it’s hard to remember that just because this is where I am now it’s not where I will be eventually.

And I know that when this is published tomorrow I’ll probably feel better, lighter, looser. I know that I’ll share this and I’ll probably feel embarrassed about writing (and wasting) a whole blog post talking about being stressed for no reason. I know these things, and I can plan ahead for them, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is how I’m feeling right now.

Oh well.

Alright, I just had an hour of chill time, watched some Family Guy with my dad and already everything I’ve written seems dumb and everything inside me is slowly unfurling. And part of me wants to delete this whole thing but writing is healthy and writing this is healthy and maybe it’s writing this that’s helped my insides. It’s still a bit tight, but I can breathe.

And now I’m ready to sleep.

(Picture of frayed rope from here.)

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