I don’t expect much, out of life or from people. This isn’t a fantastic way to live one’s life, I definitely wouldn’t advise it, but after years of fickle friendships and disappointment it’s a safer way to live. Not better, just simpler. Maybe it’s with all the bad that’s happened: the sickness, the sadness, that’s made me not hope for much (if any) good or happiness. You aren’t disappointed as much then, and when something good does come along it completely throws you. I’ve gotten overly emotional about someone buying me an iced capp to be nice, I’m very simple and very easily impressed.
So when something big is done for me I get completely overwhelmed and really don’t know how to react. This happened this weekend when one of my best friends threw my sister and I a surprise party this past weekend for our upcoming birthday.
As a quick recap, I have a twin sister and we were born two days before Christmas. Because of this our birthday is often an inconvenience to many and even as kids had to be celebrated with friends in the New Year. We always celebrated with our parents on the actual day but never got a chance to do so with friends and for a long time when we were older we didn’t celebrate with friends, last year was the first time we actually celebrated our birthday with friends but it was a month after the actual date.
So when I went to my friend’s house for a small Christmas celebration I was completely thrown off when I saw all of my friends jump out and yell “Surprise!” for us. I was so
shocked that I asked everyone what we were celebrating because it didn’t click that my friends would want to celebrate for my actual birthday because no one ever had before. I was so used to not celebrating that the idea of anyone wanting to celebrate my birthday during the actual month and close to the date was the furthest thing from my mind.
I was shocked for the rest of the night and so filled with love. I still can’t explain what this happiness feels like, only that it’s light and yellow like some sort of pastry and I want to bite into it again and again so that I can be full of it.
I have better friends now than I did in the past, friends who love and care for me, who remember me, who remind me that I am important that I am here, that I deserve to celebrate my birthday with people even though it is close to Christmas. My own insecurity makes me forget that sometimes, makes me expect the worst, makes me want to close myself even more so that it won’t hurt when it’s gone, because I have lost and hurt so much already. But I’ve been shown that my head likes to lie, make me anxious, make me second guess and that I should listen to my heart more.
This weekend the shell around my heart started to crack open and I am ready to take off the shell and let the soft yolk of it beat, fragile and vulnerable to the world. I don’t expect this to be a fast or easy thing to do, but piece by piece I’ll remove the shell and open myself because I am finally ready to start listening to my heart