For the past two weeks I’ve been pretty upset. It’s not like anything dire has happened to me (though with everything currently happening in the world it’s more than enough reason to be upset). Unfortunately my reason was more selfish: the trip I was supposed to be in Whitehorse/Dawson City and because of COVID I wasn’t.
I’m not happy to say that I cried over it when I got the notification on my phone on July 8th that I should have been on a plane, at the time I would be arriving and checking-in to my hotel, but I did. I don’t like being vulnerable, I don’t like falling apart over little things but as the old saying goes, “it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”
It seems stupid to be that upset over a trip. I’m not the only one who’s had to cancel a trip this year, I’m not even the only one who’s had other things cancelled on them because of the coronavirus. But sometimes when things are cancelled it feels like a targeted attack. I’ve already written about some of the things I’ve been through, bigger things than this, but it’s often the little things that cause someone to break. Because when big things happen you usually have time to prepare, they hurt deep and ache but somehow when it’s bigger you learn how to bandage yourself, even poorly to stop yourself from leaking over everything. But it’s the little things, the ones you hope for, that chip away. They seem to gnaw and leave gaping holes that rip through you, that are harder to heal.
When things go wrong it seems like they’ll never go right. I know that my trip isn’t cancelled, it’s postponed until this virus ends, until we get whatever normal will be after this. But I don’t think it’s asking for too much, wanting something to go right. Just one trip, just one thing to work out. When you try to force yourself to find the stars and when you look up they’re all covered by clouds.
But even when I break, fall apart and crumble I’m very lucky to have people who pick me up and put me back together again.
The day after I was supposed to come home from my trip my sister and friends planned a little pandemic safe surprise party by creating a mini-Dawson City in my friend’s backyard. It was complete with a Sourtoe Cocktail with a candied toe inside, Yukon ice cream bars, poutine, and a charcuterie board to eat. The night ended perfectly with a swim “under the Northern lights” (a swimming pool filled with glow sticks).
I don’t know what to do with this love; I am not used to being made to feel special. I get so overwhelmed with these feelings that I don’t know where to put them all, all I know is that I should spread them back around to those I love so this cycle can keep going.
A lot can go wrong in life, a lot has already gone wrong this year, but sometimes they go right. They go right by the people you’re surrounded by, the people you choose to surround yourself with. It’s in making a mini-vacation in your backyard, of Facetiming and remembering that they care, that they love you. Sometimes things go right. The stars aren’t always covered by clouds, they thin away and the stars shine brightly again, reminding you that you are not alone and that you are loved.