Sometimes I get stuck and I don’t know what to do about it.
I hold onto things I don’t need to, I fixate on things that don’t involve me, I try to fix things that I have no reason fixing, that don’t need to be fixed.
I don’t know why I do this.
I am very good at holding things in; it’s what I’ve always done. Anything that isn’t good, anything that is a problem, anything I see as negative is pushed inside it’s little box and shut closed. Or at least I try to, but that’s the problem with shoving things away, they pile up, they overflow, and eventually all you have is a big mess.
I’ve only learned recently to talk about the things that bother me and it’s such an annoyingly simple solution but it’s one of my hardest things to learn. But again, you can only push so much down before it breaks, you crack in front of the people you love, you become vulnerable.
And it’s scary.
And in a way it’s nice.
To feel light for a moment, to not feel like everything is crammed inside, like you finally have room to move and think and breathe. and a lot of that is because of the great support of friends I have around me.
I’m still not used to being entirely open, to being vulnerable; to be what my mind tells me is weak. But I’m getting there, or sometimes I think I am. It’s a tossup, sometimes I think I’m improving; sometimes I think I’m regressing.
I guess that’s what learning is.
And sometimes it feels like my worries are gnawing away at me like I’m nothing, making holes out of me until you can see right through, until I’m crumbling and falling apart.
But that’s what minds do. They make you see yourself through such a harsh lens, a carnival mirror all warped and monstrous.
A lot of the times they blind you.
And that’s why you need people who can see you clearly. People who can see where you get stuck, see what holds you back, see what makes it so you can’t see yourself correctly, or maybe not at all.
I have often felt invisible. I don’t know what that says about me. It’s not something I actively set out to do, to become, but weirdly enough on dumb Buzzfeed quizzes that ask to choose a superpower I always choose invisibility, and I’ve always liked characters who had that power. It wasn’t because I wanted to disappear or hide or anything, whenever I thought about invisibility as a power it was as a chance to learn and observe what normally couldn’t. I don’t think I am invisible to myself, I think I can see myself fairly clearly or maybe slightly blurred, can anyone ever see themselves clearly? But I feel it sometimes.
I don’t want to be invisible.
So I guess it’s good that I have people who can see me, because they’re teaching me how to see myself. They allow me to take a look at the things I hold onto so tightly, the things that I don’t need, the things that end up hurting me.
I need to learn to let things go, and that is also hard.
Harder when you’ve spent so long holding everything so tight and close and safe inside. Because where does it go? How can you let it fall? Let it break? Let yourself to lose it?
If I don’t worry, who will?
No one, which is the point. Which is easier and harder than it sounds.
So many things are hard.
And so I’ll have to do the hard thing, slowly and surely, and learn to be vulnerable and learn that that paradoxically doesn’t make me vulnerable. All these little things to learn and grow from and that will never end because there will always be something new to notice, some new part of myself I haven’t met before or that’s been blinded to me that should be fixed or grown.
And none of that is bad, it’s just a process and like so many things it takes time.
(Picture of the snow since it seems that Elsa may have been letting it go a bit too much…)